It’s been 3 years since I’ve been ‘medically’ recovered,

however, I knew I had to touch on this topic because it’s important for me to understand what exactly happened, and how to process the aftermath—what It really felt to go through life as an AYA cancer survivor. 

The process of grief, as many know it, is a cycle in which you handle grieving. It starts from denial, transitions to depression, then comes up to an upward turn––at least that’s usually how it goes. The books write it as having 5 to 7 stages. However, the more someone analyzes it, especially for someone who has gone through it a couple times, the process is more complicated than one may imagine. The twists and turns of emotions can become a frenzy, and realistically, it is. 

Cancer

is a word that many people take with precaution, make insensitive comments, or even dismiss altogether. Most people understand it’s not a subject to be lightly thrown around, or even talked about. Understandably, it’s a topic that makes people uncomfortable. To physicians, it’s a real medical problem, and because there is no cure, to some it’s a part of fascination. 

AYA—adolescents and young adults

is the time where people are ever-changing, trying to create, accomplish and take bigger steps and milestones to advancing their career, relationships, dreams and goals. It’s a time where one steps into society and adapt. For some, it’s mostly smooth sailing, for others, it feels like being thrown into the ocean, not knowing where to swim or how to float.

Like cancer’s occurrence and sometimes reoccurrence, emotions have a way of relapsing and floating up and down, from despair to hope, and back to despair. It’s not so simple, as someone who can portray hopefulness may still be in denial––that was me.

For some, it becomes extremely hard when medical conditions start to reveal themselves. Just like driving on the road without any direction, a boulder comes your way and stops you completely. The boulder sometimes crushes and doesn’t allow any retaliation.

I started this project with with the hope to tell people that it’s perfectly normal what you are going through, all the emotions, thoughts and feeling, it’s okay to be feeling that way.

I can’t tell you what to do or how to go about it, if there’s a right or wrong way about AYA cancer. My only hope is that through this emotionally driven real depiction through a surreal lens, using my passion in art and music, I hope to convey that while we’re all human, we are still also able to surface up and reflect that this will also pass, regardless of the outcome.

There were so many times I could tell you I thought that I was better, I was feeling like I had hope to move forward, but then the triggers and changes of events made me feel like I was back in the tunnel, forever searching. It’s relentless, but as I’m able to write about my emotions and the processes I went through to get to this point of realization, I am also able to help process the many grievances I had for myself during this time.

So I hope as you follow the process of my creation, you will also learn to find yourself in a safe space, to feel completely free and acknowledged. That one day, as you learn to find yourself, you don’t tell yourself that it’ll all be okay, but that you acknowledge you’re trying, and you won’t give up. 

NEXT UP: TRANSLATING MEDICAL RESEARCH TO ART—HOW?